Things Better Left Unwritten

Where I Write What I Would Never Dare Say
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The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity.

  • Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
  • Witness: "I only have one, you know."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
  • Witness: "By death."
  • Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
  • -----
  • Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
  • The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
  • Witness: "July 15th."
  • Lawyer: "What year?"
  • Witness: "Every year."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
  • Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
  • Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
  • Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
  • Witness: "Er...his face."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
  • Witness: "Yes."
  • Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
  • Witness: "I forget."
  • Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
  • Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
  • Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
  • Witness: "Forty-five years."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
  • Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
  • Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
  • Witness: "My name is Susan."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
  • Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
  • Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
  • Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "What happened then?"
  • Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
  • Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
  • Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
  • -----
  • Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
  • Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
  • Witness: "That's me."
  • Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
  • Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
  • Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
  • Witness: "Yes."
  • Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
  • Witness: "Yes."
  • Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
  • Witness: "None."
  • Lawyer: "Were there girls?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
  • Witness: "Yes."
  • Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
  • Witness: "Borofkin."
  • Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
  • Witness: "I can't remember."
  • Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
  • Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
  • Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
  • Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
  • Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
  • Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
  • Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
  • Witness: "Yes sir."
  • Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
  • Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
  • Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
  • Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
  • Witness: "I could see his head."
  • Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
  • Witness: "Just above his shoulders."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
  • Witness: "The victim lived."
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First Kiss

Soft as flower petals

Were your tulips

As two lips became four

 

It tasted of mint

Crisp as the air outside

But your embrace kept me warm

 

Even though it was winter

In my stomach

Thousands of butterflies flew

 

My heart beat faster

Allegro, crescendo

And I knew that it was you

 

With a passion

I closed my eyes

But I still saw it all

 

My best friend

Who better to be with

So I float instead of fall

 

As we split

I still felt

Where your lips swept mine

 

And now, my love

I cannot wait

For the next time we entwine

Songbird

The songbird drowned in a sea of words

Another one that would never be heard

And as it tried

To escape the tide

It just kept drowning because its wings weren’t dried

I’m sad to say that songbird died

The Elephant Swan

A bright yellow peeks

Over my window sill

As I lift myself from bed

 

In the hall

Stands a mirror

Too small to fit my whole reflection

 

The baby blue

Of my nightgown

Winks at me

 

The mirror shows me

A glimpse of myself

As I slink by

 

My red locks

Still sleeping on my shoulders

Arise at the sight of my reflection

 

Drowsy, dreamy eyes

Turn and face

Myself

 

Through the looking-glass

I see an elephant

The elephant is me

 

I am large

Immense

Substantial

I am fat

 

 

She arose in the morn

Red curls draped on her pillow

A blue nightdress wrinkled

 

She heard again

In her nightmare

His voice calling her fat

 

Her arms were lanky

Her face pale as snow

Her ankles could barely hold her

 

She wobbled and shook

Pass the mirror in the hall

Willing herself not to look

 

But just like her body

Her will was not strong

And she turned to her reflection

 

The fragile swan

Small and beautiful

Only saw an ugly duckling

 

So again that day

She did not eat

Swallowing only her sorrow

 

She is small

Skinny

Fragile

 

She is frail

2012

Part of me hopes

The world will end

In 2012

Like the Mayans said

Because then

When I died

My death wouldn’t be

By suicide

When you’re forced to carry

All the world’s weight

You’re quick to hope for

Death as your fate

So dear Mayans

Please be right

I just can’t take

Another night